Ushering In Change

When 2012 dawned a little over two weeks ago, I had dreams for changing things with my photography business: about making it more successful.

Well, the puzzle is being unscrambled and things are being put into motion.
There is so much exciting stuff I can't possibly talk about it all right now!
I will, however, give you some of the highlights:

You may recall from an earlier post that I mentioned that I am going to display photo prints at a local craft fair in October. Well, I have been referred to a great printing company, for which I hold out hope. I'm awaiting my test prints, but I have heard great things about them. They also seem like they are good people: very professional, honest, and down-to-earth. Hard qualities to find all wrapped up in one company, these days.
(If all goes well, this will also be the place from which I order prints to sell on Etsy.)

I am also going to expand my revenue base by accepting more than just cash and personal checks. Yep, that's right: last night I signed up for Square! I figured it would be easier for the craft fair if I accepted more than just paper. Plus, if all goes well, as I hope it does, I can also accept payment for photo shoots via credit and debit card.

This semester, I am enrolled in two photography courses: Studio Photography and Landscape Photography. They are my two "fun" classes. This is my last semester at my community college, so I figured, "Hey, why not take a couple of classes that I have been wanting to take and may never get to take here again?"
(Of course, that should mean that I be in school 8am - 8pm Monday through Friday, as there are so many courses I want to take, but there is only so much time in the week.)
Those two classes will keep me updating my sites regularly, so be sure to watch for those.

I have also fallen in love with LightRoom 4 (beta). When the software officially drops in March, I will have to buy a copy. I could get into all the techno-photo babble about why I love LR4, but only people familiar with the software would understand what I'm saying. Just know that with LightRoom 4, your photos will look better than ever!

I am looking forward to using props, getting more portfolio work done, and possibly getting some business leads. There is also more business stuff going on, but I don't want to talk about it just yet. I want to make sure it's completely ready before I unveil it. (It's not a secret or anything, it's just not the right time.)

Three.

3, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

It's amazing how little has changed since I snapped this photo.

I have longer hair and different glasses.
I don't wear makeup as often.
My face may be a smidge pudgier.

It's also amazing how much has changed since I snapped this photo.

I am no longer working. (I think I took this before work.)
I am in school, and a few months away from graduation.
Jake and I have been living together for nearly a year.
I have (unfortunately) gained weight.
I now shoot a DSLR. My beloved PowerShot is MIA. (The search continues.)
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I posted this photo to remind me that unless I make a point to make change, they rarely happen.
Sure, the above list of things that have changed might outweigh the list of things that haven't, but that all the more serves to prove my point.
I am no longer working because I made a decision to leave a job I hated and was curbed in.
I am in school because I made the decision to stop just talking about it.
Jake and I have been living together by chance, but there were a lot of decisions we made along the way.
Gaining weight is partially my fault; a health condition contributes a great deal to an increased difficulty to lose weight.
I also did not make sure I knew where my PowerShot was, so its misplacement is my fault as well.

I have goals for this year, like anyone else. (This year, I even gave myself a week to figure out what I wanted them to be.)
1: Get healthier. This means continue drinking more water than soda (a goal I started last year), take my pills faithfully (something I have not been great at lately), exercise regularly, eat healthy (something I have been trying to do anyway), and take better care of myself. I need to go to sleep when I'm tired, take vitamins to supplement my diet, not stay up so late, and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. (My skin is so horribly dry most of the year.)
2: Set a life plan. Set some goals in common with my man in motion, timeline-wise at least.
3: Read more books. I am already one down, and am working on another. I have three more books checked out from the library, and I found four more of my to-read books for cheap at a thrift store today. One of the classes I'm taking is Masterpieces of Literature After 1600, which means I'll be reading more for that, too.
4: Sell some crafts. My mom and her friend have been feverishly making some baby bibs to sell. There are plans in the works for other things, too, that I can be a part of. I'm going to help my mom's friend design purses and bags to sell. I'm also going to make cards & bookmarks to sell. There are a bunch of other crafts that are percolating as well.
5: Sell some prints and get my art out there. The craft show that my mom and her friend and going to is a great opportunity to display and sell some of my artwork. Have some prints ready to take home; be available to take custom orders. Maybe have a photo book or two available for customers to browse and order. (Even if I don't sell any books, I will have a copy of my work for the last few years!) I'll also need more business cards for this. Hmm...
6: Eat more leftovers. I threw away three dishes of leftovers from our fridge today. One was a single serving, but the other two were doubles. No me gusta.
7: Save some money. That means making some money.

I cannot forget what these goals are or why I have set them for myself.
Forgetting them is the one way to make sure they don't happen.

Dusting Off the Compass

With my impending graduation getting ever closer, I am faced with the choice of deciding what to do next. Do I work for a while? Do I go right to school?

Part of me says, "Hey, you'll be in a new city; why not do both? Go to school, and you'll have weekends to do photography part time."
Another part of me says, "Hey, remember when you tried that and it didn't go over so well?"

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future where photography is concerned.
I know that it is something I will always do -- it is a part of me now: that cannot be changed.
But what to do about it? How big of a role should it play in my life? Should it just be something that I do for fun? Should I do it for fun and try to sell my better art pieces? Should I offer my services on the weekends?

I will not lie: there have been a few times when I thought about hanging up the camera strap completely. [Insert ramble of negative thoughts and things that may make potential clients eschew my services.] 


I think that moving to a new town will force me to market myself in new ways. Here, I haven't been doing everything I could (or should) do. I know that. I recognize that. I've even had things ready to market myself, I just...haven't. [Insert shaming finger-wag here.]
Perhaps focusing more attention on getting my work out to local eyes would elicit more business. I do not plan on taking this action where I am presently, though, because in five and a half months, when it comes time for me to move to Denver, I will have just established myself in the local eyes, and then uproot and do it all over again 50 miles away. No, it is much too late for my Greeley client- / fan-base to grow.

Besides, Greeley is not regarded at the moment for being a center of art. No one seeks Greeley out for the artisan shops. There is the annual Arts Picnic, but the majority of the vendors that I have seen when I attend come from other cities, 20+ minutes away. The University of Northern Colorado draws minor artisanal-quality shops and lifestyles around it, supported mostly by the larger-city students who attend the school.

I have also thought about making photography a bigger part of my life.
I would love to offer traditional packages to people: engagement sessions, weddings, family photos, portraits, senior shots, kiddo sessions, newborn sessions, maternity sessions...
...but seeing as how I do not have much experience in those arenas --I have never shot a maternity session, but the others I have-- it will be harder to get clients for those arenas because there is not much to see in the way of examples of my work. (Offer some free shoots on Craigslist? Don't mind if I do!)
Honestly, yes, I have thought about majoring in photography. But, I would be focused on shooting things, objects, and food, like doing spreads for household magazines. I do not know what it is about those shots, but they have been appealing to me.

That is not to say that I will stop offering the traditional shoots. 

I have been meaning to take inventory of my life for a long while: to define where I want to end up, living-wise and career-wise.
Photography is not my only prospective major. Neither is art or ceramics. I have considered everything from teaching (as shared in a previous post) to being a counselor, one who specializes in addictions or just a regular therapist-type. My Creative Writing class really re-stimulated my dormant *not dead* love of writing these last two semesters, and with that reawakening came a dormant dream of possibly pursuing it in the future as well. {Ideas have already started forming for books to write about; some of them have already been presented to the classes over the last two semesters.} I have also thought of possibly becoming an editor for a publication (newspaper, magazine) or for a publishing company. (Y'know the ones to whom authors submit their works to be looked over...etc.)

The app for MSCD is due in March, so I have until then to decide on a major.
I just cannot believe that this is happening again. Every time something happens with me going to college (even when I enrolled at Aims) I always have a hard time deciding what to do. Maybe it's because I want to do it all!
There we go, that's what I can major in: Renaissance Womanhood! =P

Tick, Tock

Christmas went well, but that's not what I want to share tonight. I'll write a post up about that in the next few days, complete with pictures. 

There are only four days and some hours left in this year.

There is so much to do, to plan, to hope for, for the year to come. I'm sure this is true for you, too. 

The biggest thing in the coming year is moving to Denver.
It's five months away, yes, and there is no 100% guarantee that it's going to happen, but I am already getting excited about it. (Given my history with things like this, that may not be a good thing.)

I plan on getting myself partway established, business-wise, before I move, but it will be a lot like starting from scratch again. 

It will be bittersweet, but I think it will also be a good thing. 

For the last few months, I have been in a rut.
I haven't had a shoot in eight months. That's rough.
Moving is going to force me to market myself more, to take new and different approaches to things.  

Those are good things, I think. =)

There are a ton of personal things that will be good, too. 

I will still be in the Greeley area for five more months, so if there's anyone who's wanting a shoot, schedule it now. 

You're gonna be gone before you get found in another boring afternoon

You're gonna be gone before you get found in another boring afternoon, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

The bit of lyrics I chose to include on the photo:
"I can count the years
Everybody now is just counting tears
And plastic bills and their protective pills
And I just took my time"
...is personal.

I feel like I've missed out on so much in my life. I'm 26 with no college degree, no progeny, and no ring on my finger. It feels like I have done nothing to contribute to the world or to my life.

Yes, I know, this sounds like whining.
...but I can't help the way I feel.

I do, however, realize that I have a good fifty years (or so) left to live, so I'm not worried about rectifying those situations. =)
...in fact, I am only 16 weeks away from getting my Associate of Arts degree.
...and then, onto a Bachelor's from there. (I've been --thankfully-- getting some insights into what to major in, too.)

The marriage and kids thing can wait.

One thing at a time.
One day at a time.
That's how things get done. =)

.....I got glaze on my shoe!

.....I got glaze on my shoe!, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Man, oh, man.

I missed a lot of days there on my 365.
...and I never got caught up on 30 Days of Gratitude, either.

Oh well.
Ce la vie.

I am, however, getting straight A's, TYVM.

I am just anxious to see how my ceramics pieces come out of the glaze kiln Monday!!
I do have a good reason for being MIA this last month and a half. School. I glazed 16 pieces today; 29 total pieces total this week. Five more pieces to glaze on Monday. Today was also my presentation in German class. Taught MS PowerPoint to myself just for the presentation. (Really not that hard.) And I spent over two hours last night making Black Forest cupcakes for today, too. Thank goodness I had Jacob to help me with those! <3 (See the next blog for the full story on that.) But yes, there you have it. The reasons I have been at school from 10-5 most days since mid-October, and thus the reasons why my photos starting slacking off. Holiday break is coming up. I plan on reading and cleaning my room, so that should allow for plenty of time to take some pics, right? =)

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

When we lose a loved one, the tears we cry are the bitterest when we remember those hours when we loved not enough.

I remember all those promises I made to my grandma that I was going to go to Washington to see her, after she moved out there. I never did.
I never wrote her enough. Or consistently enough.
...and I'll never be able to make it up to her.

Similar feelings have always penetrated every loss that I have experienced.
Both grandpas. My grandma. Numerous pets.

I have tried to take these feelings of remorse and regret and turn them into something more pro-active, so I could be more involved in the lives my loved-ones that are left. I falter and I fail, but still I try.

Tell someone with whom you have lost touch how much you love them, today.
Tomorrow, you may not get the chance.

Bench Monday: "Readin, Ritin, Rithmatic" Edition

Bench Monday: "Readin, Ritin, Rithmatic" Edition, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Today was my first day at school since May.
(When I took the summer off, I literally mean that I took the summer OFF. Like we all got to, y'know, when we were children.)

Unfortunately, I am still a freshman.
A college freshman for the third time.
(If I'd transfer some of my credits in, I wouldn't be.)

I am only taking three classes this semester: German, Ceramics, and History of Islamic Civ.

I stayed behind today to talk to my German teacher, because I was (nearly) fluent when I graduated high school seven years ago, and I wanted her opinion on what she thought would be a good fit.
After one sentence, her response was, "German 2!"
...after a five minute conversation, she asked if I wanted to teach it. LOL.
(She was kidding, though. I hope.)

My German teacher in high school was amazing; her students always got high praise.
I was the top student in Colorado on my 2003 AATG test, and placed 6th in the nation that year on the same test. I was thisclose to going to Germany for a year.
Also, I got a 4 on my AP test.
...and as soon as I told my professor who my teacher was, she hung her head and asked if I wanted to teach it.
I kept insisting that I need a refresher course because I've probably forgotten most of it. (Besides, I wouldn't take her job away. lol.)

Anyway, the first day was interesting.

Tomorrow brings two and a half hours of Ceramics. =)
Woot!!

intentions

intentions

intentions, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I always start every school year with the best of intentions.

I always get my books early (or try to) so I can start studying.

I always tell myself that I'm going to start researching papers early, and get on the homework as soon as I get home.

...but it's always the same story.
I always lose the books at least once a semester.
I always end up waiting to write the paper, because I may find something over the course of the semester that interests me more, and the rest of my research would have been wasted. (If I do get an early start, I have so many books chosen that I get buried in my research and then have a web to untangle when it comes time to form those notes into sentences.)

So, here I am, on the cusp of another school year, hoping for the same things that I always hope for, and hoping that the things that always happen don't happen this year. I mean, I'm not working this time, so there's no excuse for me not to get assignments and reading done, right??

(Well, I'm hoping to get a work-study position, but who knows?)

my rock; my anchor; my superhero.

my rock, my anchor, my superhero

my rock; my anchor; my superhero., originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

This is something that not a lot of people know about me.

I suffer from depression.

It used to be one of those things that would hit hard occasionally two or three times a month. Its frequency is increasing, though.

Last week, it hit me twice; this week, so far, once.
Both times last week it was a hard, hard hit. To the point that I --seriously-- could have pulled the trigger on a gun and not thought twice about it.
Yesterday, the time that it hit this week, I didn't want to die so much as to fade away. I just didn't want to be here anymore. (It's almost like I wanted to travel back in time and affect something so I wouldn't be here.)

But, thankfully, Jake is the one who stops my fall through these black, unending chasms.
I feel bad for him in that he doesn't really understand what's going on. (Truthfully, neither do I.) And I know this is affecting our relationship; it's not allowing me to be as open and close with him as he deserves. I try, but I'm afraid I fall short. (This could be the truth, or it could be my depression making me think the worst of it again.)

But don't worry about me; I am fine, 90% of the time. =0)
I haven't sought clinical help for my depression because, well, once someone labels you as such, insurance companies point that out as a risk and as a pre-existing condition.
I have some ProZAC from my doctor; I haven't taken any of it. After it was prescribed, a coworker told me that it really messes with the chemical balances in your head, to the point that you see weird things with it and can't function without it. (Her brother had apparently had these things happen to him when he was on it, so she was warning me.) It scared me to the point that the bottle is still sitting on top of my television.

give me back my innocence, cos I wish to dream again

I wish to dream again.

give me back my innocence, cos I wish to dream again, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

It seems that dreams belong in childhood, because as we become adults we must face the detail-driven bits to actually accomplish some of those dreams.

We dream of marrying our prince charming, but when it comes time to actually plan the wedding, we get completely stressed out.
We dream of entering our dream career, but when faced with the issues of 8am classes and 12-page term papers, we are less than willing, if given a choice.

It's all about taking the dreams we have and turning them into goals, and then deciding how badly we want them.
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This pic of me was taken in March 2009 after I got my hair cut and streaked, alternating blond and dark red, with my own copper color. =D

very vanilla cupcake (and chocolate frosting!)

very vanilla cupcake, milk chocolate frosting

very vanilla cupcake (and chocolate frosting!), originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I am so excited that I finally got around to making cupcakes today. =)
I've had the book for three weeks, during which time I was supposed to get together with another cupcake-loving pal twice and bake to our hearts' content. However, she works for an attorney in town and is also going back to finish her Bachelor's degree, so she frequently finds herself exhausted.

The recipe that follows is the one found directly in 125 Best Cupcake Recipes, but I tweaked mine. (Which I'll also share.)

Very Vanilla Chocolate Chip Cupcakes

• Preheat oven to 350 F (180 C)
• Muffin pan, lined with paper liners
• Makes 12 standard cupcakes

    1 1/2 cups all purpose flour                                       375 mL
    1 tsp          baking powder                                           5  mL
    1/4 tsp       salt                                                             1  mL
    1 1/4 cups granulated sugar                                      300  mL
    1/2 cup      unsalted butter, at room temperature       125  mL
    3                eggs                                                               3
    1 tsp          vanilla paste (or vanilla extract)                    5 mL
    3/4 cup      milk                                                        175 mL
    1/2 cup      semisweet chocolate chips                      125 mL

1. In a small bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, and salt.
2. In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat together sugar and butter until well combined. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. Alternately beat in flour mixture and milk, making three additions of flour and two of milk, beating until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips.
3. Scoop batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 23 to 28 minutes, or until tolden and tops of cupcakes spring back when lightly touched. Let cool in pan on rack for 10 minutes. Remove from pan and let cool completely on rack. Top cooled cupcakes with frosting.

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For my cupcakes, I made a variant of cake flour instead of using strictly all-purpose flour. To do this, simply use 7/8 cup regular flour and 1/8 cup cornstarch for each full cup of flour called for in a recipe. I am unsure of the difference this made in this particular recipe, as I have yet to try the recipe exactly as it appears in the book.
Also, I used white chocolate chips instead of semi-sweet because I didn't have any semi-sweet chocolate chips.
I didn't follow the suggested frostings, either, because we had a can of milk-chocolate frosting on the shelf which needed to be used first.

My frosting technique looks like a child did it because it was the first time in 15 years that I have used a piping bag, and I didn't use the proper tip. (I have the jumbo-sized tips to use, but I don't have the proper coupler, so I am stuck using the largest round that came with the set.)

So there ya go. =)
If you try them, please come back and let me know how they are.
Either variation. Or both.

Happiness comes from your own actions.

Happiness is not something ready made.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions., originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama

Today I took a day for me. I didn't go to the store, I didn't have any set deadlines or a schedule of any kind.
I have been having an urge for the last several days that kept prompting me to meditate, but, unfortunately, I have been unable to do so. So, today, I went to a park.
I took with me a journal, a pen, my camera bag (that was still packed from the wedding on Saturday, where it doubled as my purse), and Barbara Ann Kipfer's "The Wish List", which I've had for years.
I read through it, cover to cover, and was able to update the wishes/goals that I have fulfilled, and was able to refresh my memory on some wishes worth having that I have forgotten about.

After leaving the park, I drove around for a good little while, taking back roads I haven't been on in years, weaving my way around town from one end to several miles outside the other.
Then I did an outdoor photowalk in the area around my house. Today's photo is an apple hanging in my grandma's tree. I also got some shots of a broken-down fence, a bee on a sunflower, and more apples, to name a few.

Here are some of the wishes from the book that I have added to my personal wish list:

• Keep a stash of Girl Scout cookies all year round
• Make a collage of all the fortune-cookie fortunes I have received.
• Sell my crafts at a crafts fair.
• Stand on the shore and roar back at the ocean as loud as I can.
• Study Buddhist and Hindu dharma.
• Save half a year's salary.
• Lie on the ground in a grove of sequoias --the largest living things on earth-- and look up
• Bequeath enough money for my survivors to toast me with champagne every year on my birthday.
• Reserve one night a month to go out with old friends.
• Throw a tailgate party for the homecoming game.
• Take part in a geological survey.
• Become a masseur.
• Read all the original Nancy Drew mysteries.
• Find inner peace.
• Take up yoga.
• Keep chickens.
• Stand in the center of the Colosseum in Rome.
• Backpack across Europe.

Those are just some of the new wishes (or I guess some of them are goals) that I rediscovered today.
Check out the book when you can; there are a ton of wishes on there that I'm sure you'll want to add to your own lists.

It was a rewarding day, over all.
I didn't get much meditation in, though I'm sure that there will be time for that before I head to the store tomorrow. (It was kind of hard to clear my head when there were children laughing and playing. Not that I have a problem with children laughing and playing, it's just counter-productive to clearing one's head.)

I think everyone should take a day and clear their schedules for some much-needed alone time.
Or at least a day of having nothing to do, or nothing to do by a specific time. =)

Letting Go & Holding On

Letting Go & Holding On

letting go and holding on, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
~Henry Ellis

At some point, we all find ourselves stuck.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Stuck between our friends and our family.
Stuck between wearing the yellow shirt, or the blue shirt.
Stuck on that really hard math question.

I am stuck.
My mom and I have been clashing for the last few months (ever since she lost her job) and it's starting to wear us down. (It's starting to wear me down.)
I love her dearly, but this house is not big enough for two grown women with their own opinions & worldviews.

I am stuck.
My loving boyfriend has been out of a job for about a month, and he's not putting much effort into finding another one.
Our collective future is on hold, our bills for this month will be in question, and, while he's spriting some new characters for a video game, he seems to be dragging his feet in finding a regular-joe, nine-to-five, "real world" job. (I should also mention that whenever I start to fill out an application or resume, he gets sad and says, "I hope you're not doing that because of me.")

I am stuck.
There is a situation that I no longer know how to handle. It seems that no matter what I do, I am always wrong, even when I can prove that I'm right or have done nothing wrong. (And I can even point out specific instances in which the finger-pointer should be looking in the mirror.)

...perhaps all this is happening because I am still holding on to my desire to please people. Insecurity comes easily to me, but it's mostly self-triggered. Maybe if I let go of all that nonsense, and just not care what people think of me or what I do, perhaps then I achieve peace.
...perhaps there's more to it than that. Perhaps I should mention that I have also been holding on to the dreams of getting married, owning a house, & starting a family; if I let go of those dreams, I wouldn't feel the scraping of my boyfriend's feet as he drags them along.
...perhaps, though, there's even more to it than that. Perhaps we should all realize that some things are shared among a wide group of people, and that we are only individuals in the way that we perceive and share the things in our world. Perhaps that's the answer. Perhaps if we let go of our competitive natures and instead be more accepting and realistic, then there would be a greater sense of peace in the world.

I know, I'm blabbering on about peace like I'm some kind of hippie or something.
But really, the harder decisions in life --the ones in which we find ourselves truly stuck-- cause unrest, and therefore a lack of peace.

I think it would do us all some good (I'm talking on a humanity-wide scale here) to choose what we are holding onto, and what we are letting go of, and why.
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