Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

When we lose a loved one, the tears we cry are the bitterest when we remember those hours when we loved not enough.

I remember all those promises I made to my grandma that I was going to go to Washington to see her, after she moved out there. I never did.
I never wrote her enough. Or consistently enough.
...and I'll never be able to make it up to her.

Similar feelings have always penetrated every loss that I have experienced.
Both grandpas. My grandma. Numerous pets.

I have tried to take these feelings of remorse and regret and turn them into something more pro-active, so I could be more involved in the lives my loved-ones that are left. I falter and I fail, but still I try.

Tell someone with whom you have lost touch how much you love them, today.
Tomorrow, you may not get the chance.

Bench Monday: "Readin, Ritin, Rithmatic" Edition

Bench Monday: "Readin, Ritin, Rithmatic" Edition, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Today was my first day at school since May.
(When I took the summer off, I literally mean that I took the summer OFF. Like we all got to, y'know, when we were children.)

Unfortunately, I am still a freshman.
A college freshman for the third time.
(If I'd transfer some of my credits in, I wouldn't be.)

I am only taking three classes this semester: German, Ceramics, and History of Islamic Civ.

I stayed behind today to talk to my German teacher, because I was (nearly) fluent when I graduated high school seven years ago, and I wanted her opinion on what she thought would be a good fit.
After one sentence, her response was, "German 2!"
...after a five minute conversation, she asked if I wanted to teach it. LOL.
(She was kidding, though. I hope.)

My German teacher in high school was amazing; her students always got high praise.
I was the top student in Colorado on my 2003 AATG test, and placed 6th in the nation that year on the same test. I was thisclose to going to Germany for a year.
Also, I got a 4 on my AP test.
...and as soon as I told my professor who my teacher was, she hung her head and asked if I wanted to teach it.
I kept insisting that I need a refresher course because I've probably forgotten most of it. (Besides, I wouldn't take her job away. lol.)

Anyway, the first day was interesting.

Tomorrow brings two and a half hours of Ceramics. =)
Woot!!

intentions

intentions

intentions, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I always start every school year with the best of intentions.

I always get my books early (or try to) so I can start studying.

I always tell myself that I'm going to start researching papers early, and get on the homework as soon as I get home.

...but it's always the same story.
I always lose the books at least once a semester.
I always end up waiting to write the paper, because I may find something over the course of the semester that interests me more, and the rest of my research would have been wasted. (If I do get an early start, I have so many books chosen that I get buried in my research and then have a web to untangle when it comes time to form those notes into sentences.)

So, here I am, on the cusp of another school year, hoping for the same things that I always hope for, and hoping that the things that always happen don't happen this year. I mean, I'm not working this time, so there's no excuse for me not to get assignments and reading done, right??

(Well, I'm hoping to get a work-study position, but who knows?)

my rock; my anchor; my superhero.

my rock, my anchor, my superhero

my rock; my anchor; my superhero., originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

This is something that not a lot of people know about me.

I suffer from depression.

It used to be one of those things that would hit hard occasionally two or three times a month. Its frequency is increasing, though.

Last week, it hit me twice; this week, so far, once.
Both times last week it was a hard, hard hit. To the point that I --seriously-- could have pulled the trigger on a gun and not thought twice about it.
Yesterday, the time that it hit this week, I didn't want to die so much as to fade away. I just didn't want to be here anymore. (It's almost like I wanted to travel back in time and affect something so I wouldn't be here.)

But, thankfully, Jake is the one who stops my fall through these black, unending chasms.
I feel bad for him in that he doesn't really understand what's going on. (Truthfully, neither do I.) And I know this is affecting our relationship; it's not allowing me to be as open and close with him as he deserves. I try, but I'm afraid I fall short. (This could be the truth, or it could be my depression making me think the worst of it again.)

But don't worry about me; I am fine, 90% of the time. =0)
I haven't sought clinical help for my depression because, well, once someone labels you as such, insurance companies point that out as a risk and as a pre-existing condition.
I have some ProZAC from my doctor; I haven't taken any of it. After it was prescribed, a coworker told me that it really messes with the chemical balances in your head, to the point that you see weird things with it and can't function without it. (Her brother had apparently had these things happen to him when he was on it, so she was warning me.) It scared me to the point that the bottle is still sitting on top of my television.

give me back my innocence, cos I wish to dream again

I wish to dream again.

give me back my innocence, cos I wish to dream again, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

It seems that dreams belong in childhood, because as we become adults we must face the detail-driven bits to actually accomplish some of those dreams.

We dream of marrying our prince charming, but when it comes time to actually plan the wedding, we get completely stressed out.
We dream of entering our dream career, but when faced with the issues of 8am classes and 12-page term papers, we are less than willing, if given a choice.

It's all about taking the dreams we have and turning them into goals, and then deciding how badly we want them.
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This pic of me was taken in March 2009 after I got my hair cut and streaked, alternating blond and dark red, with my own copper color. =D

very vanilla cupcake (and chocolate frosting!)

very vanilla cupcake, milk chocolate frosting

very vanilla cupcake (and chocolate frosting!), originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I am so excited that I finally got around to making cupcakes today. =)
I've had the book for three weeks, during which time I was supposed to get together with another cupcake-loving pal twice and bake to our hearts' content. However, she works for an attorney in town and is also going back to finish her Bachelor's degree, so she frequently finds herself exhausted.

The recipe that follows is the one found directly in 125 Best Cupcake Recipes, but I tweaked mine. (Which I'll also share.)

Very Vanilla Chocolate Chip Cupcakes

• Preheat oven to 350 F (180 C)
• Muffin pan, lined with paper liners
• Makes 12 standard cupcakes

    1 1/2 cups all purpose flour                                       375 mL
    1 tsp          baking powder                                           5  mL
    1/4 tsp       salt                                                             1  mL
    1 1/4 cups granulated sugar                                      300  mL
    1/2 cup      unsalted butter, at room temperature       125  mL
    3                eggs                                                               3
    1 tsp          vanilla paste (or vanilla extract)                    5 mL
    3/4 cup      milk                                                        175 mL
    1/2 cup      semisweet chocolate chips                      125 mL

1. In a small bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, and salt.
2. In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat together sugar and butter until well combined. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. Alternately beat in flour mixture and milk, making three additions of flour and two of milk, beating until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips.
3. Scoop batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 23 to 28 minutes, or until tolden and tops of cupcakes spring back when lightly touched. Let cool in pan on rack for 10 minutes. Remove from pan and let cool completely on rack. Top cooled cupcakes with frosting.

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For my cupcakes, I made a variant of cake flour instead of using strictly all-purpose flour. To do this, simply use 7/8 cup regular flour and 1/8 cup cornstarch for each full cup of flour called for in a recipe. I am unsure of the difference this made in this particular recipe, as I have yet to try the recipe exactly as it appears in the book.
Also, I used white chocolate chips instead of semi-sweet because I didn't have any semi-sweet chocolate chips.
I didn't follow the suggested frostings, either, because we had a can of milk-chocolate frosting on the shelf which needed to be used first.

My frosting technique looks like a child did it because it was the first time in 15 years that I have used a piping bag, and I didn't use the proper tip. (I have the jumbo-sized tips to use, but I don't have the proper coupler, so I am stuck using the largest round that came with the set.)

So there ya go. =)
If you try them, please come back and let me know how they are.
Either variation. Or both.

Happiness comes from your own actions.

Happiness is not something ready made.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions., originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama

Today I took a day for me. I didn't go to the store, I didn't have any set deadlines or a schedule of any kind.
I have been having an urge for the last several days that kept prompting me to meditate, but, unfortunately, I have been unable to do so. So, today, I went to a park.
I took with me a journal, a pen, my camera bag (that was still packed from the wedding on Saturday, where it doubled as my purse), and Barbara Ann Kipfer's "The Wish List", which I've had for years.
I read through it, cover to cover, and was able to update the wishes/goals that I have fulfilled, and was able to refresh my memory on some wishes worth having that I have forgotten about.

After leaving the park, I drove around for a good little while, taking back roads I haven't been on in years, weaving my way around town from one end to several miles outside the other.
Then I did an outdoor photowalk in the area around my house. Today's photo is an apple hanging in my grandma's tree. I also got some shots of a broken-down fence, a bee on a sunflower, and more apples, to name a few.

Here are some of the wishes from the book that I have added to my personal wish list:

• Keep a stash of Girl Scout cookies all year round
• Make a collage of all the fortune-cookie fortunes I have received.
• Sell my crafts at a crafts fair.
• Stand on the shore and roar back at the ocean as loud as I can.
• Study Buddhist and Hindu dharma.
• Save half a year's salary.
• Lie on the ground in a grove of sequoias --the largest living things on earth-- and look up
• Bequeath enough money for my survivors to toast me with champagne every year on my birthday.
• Reserve one night a month to go out with old friends.
• Throw a tailgate party for the homecoming game.
• Take part in a geological survey.
• Become a masseur.
• Read all the original Nancy Drew mysteries.
• Find inner peace.
• Take up yoga.
• Keep chickens.
• Stand in the center of the Colosseum in Rome.
• Backpack across Europe.

Those are just some of the new wishes (or I guess some of them are goals) that I rediscovered today.
Check out the book when you can; there are a ton of wishes on there that I'm sure you'll want to add to your own lists.

It was a rewarding day, over all.
I didn't get much meditation in, though I'm sure that there will be time for that before I head to the store tomorrow. (It was kind of hard to clear my head when there were children laughing and playing. Not that I have a problem with children laughing and playing, it's just counter-productive to clearing one's head.)

I think everyone should take a day and clear their schedules for some much-needed alone time.
Or at least a day of having nothing to do, or nothing to do by a specific time. =)