an amazing variety of imperfections

an amazing variety of imperfections, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Samuel McChord Crothers says, among other things,
"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

I must say I wholeheartedly agree with him.

In one way or another, humans try so darned hard to be perfect, to reach that esteemed vision that the world has deemed as "perfect."
...and then we fail, horribly, at ever reaching that goal.
...or die trying.

I say, just be the perfect version of YOU that you can be.
...that's why I think the quote above is going in my book of favorites.
It speaks so much to the drive of humans for being perfect, but it also says that we find ourselves in awe of our imperfection, and I think that is the way we should be.

We should be in awe of our imperfections.
Without our imperfections (either perceived, comparitive, self-assigned, or otherwise) we are just cookie-cutters of everyone else.
Undoubtedly, in this world of 6+ billion people, we each have an increasingly likely chance of finding someone who has the same job, same favorite musical artist, and favorite hobby as we do. Shared interests are what bring people together and form bonds. We learned about that in elementary school, when we were learning how to make friends. "My favorite color is pink, too! Wanna play on the swings together?" But trying to fit in any pre-determined shape, box, or cookie cutter is outdated. I'd say the better thing to do is to live off the radar, to not be definable. (If you like to think of yourself as being mysterious, not fitting to any label will definitely make yourself seem more mysterious!)

For example, I didn't know what the actual definition of "hipster" was until a few days ago.
...then I found out that I am nearly 100% hipster.

But does that mean I'm going to change who I am, just so that I don't fit that definition? No. Because I have been "hipster" longer than I've known what one was, so why should I change just because more and more people like me are starting to define themselves (us) based on a word? (Besides, I don't get the obsession with triangles. And yes, that obsession existed before HP7 came out.)

I guess what I'm saying is...we place too much importance on being perfect.
We place too much emphasis on fitting into every little corner of that box to make sure that we belong.
...maybe, just maybe, that by not touching every corner, not filling every space, makes us fit in that box better.
We are individuals based on our imperfections and our "blunders" so maybe we should be happy to have them. =)

Black Forest Cupcakes

Black Forest Cupcakes, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

25 cupcakes.
10 minutes of prep.
100 minutes of baking.
30 minutes of post-processing.
90 seconds to devour them.

The big oven in my parents' kitchen decided to go kaputt, so these were baked in the toaster oven, six cupcakes at a time.
The mix made between 24 and 36; some cupcakes were fuller (and bigger) than others, and there was just enough to make an extra single cup. I only needed 22 for my class, plus one if the tutor was there (or Jake in case the tutor wasn't there), and then one for each of my parents.
Originally I got the recipe from here but I fudged it a wee bit.
Okay, I fudged it a lot. =p

Here's what I did:
*1 box German Chocolate cake mix
*1 can pie-ready cherries (with sugar)
*1 jar of whipped white icing (enough for 2-3 dozen)

1. Prepare the cake mix according to box directions.
2. After cooling, use a melon baller, teaspoon, butter knife, or hand-held apple-corer to make a hole in the center of the cupcake; set aside the cake bit that you remove. Put 1-3 cherries in the hole. (Depending on how much you love your recipient. LOL) Replace the bit of cake you took out. (You may need to trim some off the bottom so the top's not sticking up.)
3. Frost.

Traditional Black Forest cakes call for a cherry and chocolate on top, but I (obviously) didn't do that.
In mine, too, I also added a few cherry chips to the bottom of the muffin cups before filling with dough and then baking. Some of them stuck to the paper cups, some of them integrated into the mix. If you want to try adding the cherry chips, I recommend adding them to the mix as you're mixing it, or sprinkling the chips on top so they will sink to the bottom. (Grab a bag of cherry chips; add the whole thing in if you go the mixing-in route, or sprinke just a few on top if you choose to do it that way.)

They turned out great and were a big hit!!
My wonderful Jake helped me with the filling bit; it was kind of a conveyor system.

.....I got glaze on my shoe!

.....I got glaze on my shoe!, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Man, oh, man.

I missed a lot of days there on my 365.
...and I never got caught up on 30 Days of Gratitude, either.

Oh well.
Ce la vie.

I am, however, getting straight A's, TYVM.

I am just anxious to see how my ceramics pieces come out of the glaze kiln Monday!!
I do have a good reason for being MIA this last month and a half. School. I glazed 16 pieces today; 29 total pieces total this week. Five more pieces to glaze on Monday. Today was also my presentation in German class. Taught MS PowerPoint to myself just for the presentation. (Really not that hard.) And I spent over two hours last night making Black Forest cupcakes for today, too. Thank goodness I had Jacob to help me with those! <3 (See the next blog for the full story on that.) But yes, there you have it. The reasons I have been at school from 10-5 most days since mid-October, and thus the reasons why my photos starting slacking off. Holiday break is coming up. I plan on reading and cleaning my room, so that should allow for plenty of time to take some pics, right? =)

I am grateful for warm food.

I am grateful for warm food. , originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Here's the recipe I used for this:

Yield: 6 servings
2 pounds beef top round steak, cut into 1-inch cubes
8 medium carrots, cut into 1-inch pieces*
1 pound small red potatoes, quartered*
1 medium sweet red pepper, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
1 small onion, chopped
1 can (14-1/2 ounces) diced tomatoes, undrained
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 can (6 ounces) tomato paste
3/4 cup beef broth
1/3 cup dry red wine
1-1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

In a large skillet, brown beef on all sides. In a 5-qt. slow cooker, combine the carrots, potatoes, red pepper, celery and onion. Pour tomatoes over the top.
In a small bowl, whisk the flour, tomato paste and broth until smooth. Stir in the wine, salt, garlic, pepper and thyme; pour into slow cooker. Top with beef.
Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours or until meat is tender.

*8 medium carrots is the same as one pound; I used baby carrots for my recipe and kept them whole. Also, red potatoes are the best for this, but I used yellow potatoes and they turned out great.

Also, the closer you get this to 8 hours, the better it will be! (IMHO)

Enjoy!!

(If you make this, let me know what you thought. I thought it was delicious!)

(This is a modified recipe, the original taken from Taste of Home.)

Upside Down Banana Pecan French Toast

Upside Down Banana Pecan French Toast, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I was out last night until about 4. Woke up at ten (later than I do....ever....these days anyway). Fed the animals, let the dog out for his first outside run. Went back to bed until a little after noon.
Called Jake as soon as I was awake. Made plans to head to Sam's Club, because, apparently, that is the only place in town that sells the only bones my dog will eat.
Got on Facebook whilst brushing my teeth, and noticed --via my local newspaper's status update-- that I had won tickets to the Taste of Greeley, a cooking school hosted by Taste of Home. I was so shocked; I never win anything.

Jake and I go to Sam's. Get the pet supplies. Come back to the house. The dog and the kitties are happy when they see the packages come in through the door. (I think they are learning to read. Or they recognize the sounds that kibble makes when it is in a certain bag / box. Whatever story works for you.)
I throw laundry in the washer. Mom and dad finally get home. (They've been gone to Missouri for the past week.) I am going through my groups on Flickr, multitasking in several tabs on the Internet like I always do. Mom shows me the stuff they bought in Missouri and betwixt here and there. She bought Jake and I a stuffed Toto (in a basket, of course) during their drive in Kansas, and she also bought me an apron to wear in Ceramics class. (It's cute; it may become my cooking apron instead!)

Jake and I go to the cooking class. We listen to the presentations and get hungrier as the night goes on. (To make it worse, the show was from 6:30 until 9, so it covered the timeslot for dinner.)
They gave away different random prizes as door prizes: cookbooks, a traveling wine case, cookbooks, a newspaper subscription, cookbooks, kitchen utensils...have I mentioned cookbooks yet? No? Well, they gave a lot of those away.

At the end of the evening, they gave away each dish that our cook, Jamie, prepared. Each dish comes with its own baking dish. I was the first lucky winner this time!

The dish is white and ceramic, and huge. (Perfect for lasagnas!)
I can't wait to cook more stuff in it. =)

Anyway, here is the recipe!

UPSIDE DOWN BANANA PECAN FRENCH TOAST
(feel free to omit the pecans or substitute with walnuts)
Yield: 10 servings | Prep Time: 15 minutes + chilling | Bake: 45 minutes

2 packages wheat pull-apart dinner rolls
1 1/4 cups light brown sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, melterd
1/4 cup corn syrup
4 medium, ripe bananas
1/2 cup pecans, chopped
2 tsp ground cinnamon
6 large eggs
1 1/2 cups half-and-half
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
Maple syrup
Fresh sliced strawberries

1. Butter (or spray) bottom and sides of a 13-in. by 9-in. baking dish. Slice rolls in half and set aside.
2. In a mixing bowl, combine sugar, butter, and corn syrup and mix until smooth. Spread mixture into an even layer in bottome of prepared baking dish. Slice bananas thinly and place over brown sugar mixture. Scatter pecans over bananas. Place sliced rolls on top, cut part down. Sprinkle with cinnamon.
3. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together eggs, half-and-half, and vanilla. Pour mixture over rolls. Cover lightly with plastic wrap. Refrigerate overnight. Preheat oven to 350 F. Bake 45-50 minutes or until golden.
4. Cool slightly. Run a knife around the edge of pan to loosen sides and carefully invert pan onto a large platter, or slice and serve as is. serve with warm maple syrup and sliced strawberries.

Jake and I had been wondering what to have for dinner. Guess we didn't need to!
This was delicous.
...now, the thing is, there were strawberries on this when I received it, but we took them off before reheating, and kinda forgot to put them back on. You can see the strawberries in the bottom pic.
(If you look on the top pic, on the left side you can see the red rim where a strawberry had lain.)

If you try this, let me know what you think!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

When we lose a loved one, the tears we cry are the bitterest when we remember those hours when we loved not enough.

I remember all those promises I made to my grandma that I was going to go to Washington to see her, after she moved out there. I never did.
I never wrote her enough. Or consistently enough.
...and I'll never be able to make it up to her.

Similar feelings have always penetrated every loss that I have experienced.
Both grandpas. My grandma. Numerous pets.

I have tried to take these feelings of remorse and regret and turn them into something more pro-active, so I could be more involved in the lives my loved-ones that are left. I falter and I fail, but still I try.

Tell someone with whom you have lost touch how much you love them, today.
Tomorrow, you may not get the chance.

Bench Monday: "Readin, Ritin, Rithmatic" Edition

Bench Monday: "Readin, Ritin, Rithmatic" Edition, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Today was my first day at school since May.
(When I took the summer off, I literally mean that I took the summer OFF. Like we all got to, y'know, when we were children.)

Unfortunately, I am still a freshman.
A college freshman for the third time.
(If I'd transfer some of my credits in, I wouldn't be.)

I am only taking three classes this semester: German, Ceramics, and History of Islamic Civ.

I stayed behind today to talk to my German teacher, because I was (nearly) fluent when I graduated high school seven years ago, and I wanted her opinion on what she thought would be a good fit.
After one sentence, her response was, "German 2!"
...after a five minute conversation, she asked if I wanted to teach it. LOL.
(She was kidding, though. I hope.)

My German teacher in high school was amazing; her students always got high praise.
I was the top student in Colorado on my 2003 AATG test, and placed 6th in the nation that year on the same test. I was thisclose to going to Germany for a year.
Also, I got a 4 on my AP test.
...and as soon as I told my professor who my teacher was, she hung her head and asked if I wanted to teach it.
I kept insisting that I need a refresher course because I've probably forgotten most of it. (Besides, I wouldn't take her job away. lol.)

Anyway, the first day was interesting.

Tomorrow brings two and a half hours of Ceramics. =)
Woot!!

intentions

intentions

intentions, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I always start every school year with the best of intentions.

I always get my books early (or try to) so I can start studying.

I always tell myself that I'm going to start researching papers early, and get on the homework as soon as I get home.

...but it's always the same story.
I always lose the books at least once a semester.
I always end up waiting to write the paper, because I may find something over the course of the semester that interests me more, and the rest of my research would have been wasted. (If I do get an early start, I have so many books chosen that I get buried in my research and then have a web to untangle when it comes time to form those notes into sentences.)

So, here I am, on the cusp of another school year, hoping for the same things that I always hope for, and hoping that the things that always happen don't happen this year. I mean, I'm not working this time, so there's no excuse for me not to get assignments and reading done, right??

(Well, I'm hoping to get a work-study position, but who knows?)

my rock; my anchor; my superhero.

my rock, my anchor, my superhero

my rock; my anchor; my superhero., originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

This is something that not a lot of people know about me.

I suffer from depression.

It used to be one of those things that would hit hard occasionally two or three times a month. Its frequency is increasing, though.

Last week, it hit me twice; this week, so far, once.
Both times last week it was a hard, hard hit. To the point that I --seriously-- could have pulled the trigger on a gun and not thought twice about it.
Yesterday, the time that it hit this week, I didn't want to die so much as to fade away. I just didn't want to be here anymore. (It's almost like I wanted to travel back in time and affect something so I wouldn't be here.)

But, thankfully, Jake is the one who stops my fall through these black, unending chasms.
I feel bad for him in that he doesn't really understand what's going on. (Truthfully, neither do I.) And I know this is affecting our relationship; it's not allowing me to be as open and close with him as he deserves. I try, but I'm afraid I fall short. (This could be the truth, or it could be my depression making me think the worst of it again.)

But don't worry about me; I am fine, 90% of the time. =0)
I haven't sought clinical help for my depression because, well, once someone labels you as such, insurance companies point that out as a risk and as a pre-existing condition.
I have some ProZAC from my doctor; I haven't taken any of it. After it was prescribed, a coworker told me that it really messes with the chemical balances in your head, to the point that you see weird things with it and can't function without it. (Her brother had apparently had these things happen to him when he was on it, so she was warning me.) It scared me to the point that the bottle is still sitting on top of my television.

give me back my innocence, cos I wish to dream again

I wish to dream again.

give me back my innocence, cos I wish to dream again, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

It seems that dreams belong in childhood, because as we become adults we must face the detail-driven bits to actually accomplish some of those dreams.

We dream of marrying our prince charming, but when it comes time to actually plan the wedding, we get completely stressed out.
We dream of entering our dream career, but when faced with the issues of 8am classes and 12-page term papers, we are less than willing, if given a choice.

It's all about taking the dreams we have and turning them into goals, and then deciding how badly we want them.
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This pic of me was taken in March 2009 after I got my hair cut and streaked, alternating blond and dark red, with my own copper color. =D

very vanilla cupcake (and chocolate frosting!)

very vanilla cupcake, milk chocolate frosting

very vanilla cupcake (and chocolate frosting!), originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

I am so excited that I finally got around to making cupcakes today. =)
I've had the book for three weeks, during which time I was supposed to get together with another cupcake-loving pal twice and bake to our hearts' content. However, she works for an attorney in town and is also going back to finish her Bachelor's degree, so she frequently finds herself exhausted.

The recipe that follows is the one found directly in 125 Best Cupcake Recipes, but I tweaked mine. (Which I'll also share.)

Very Vanilla Chocolate Chip Cupcakes

• Preheat oven to 350 F (180 C)
• Muffin pan, lined with paper liners
• Makes 12 standard cupcakes

    1 1/2 cups all purpose flour                                       375 mL
    1 tsp          baking powder                                           5  mL
    1/4 tsp       salt                                                             1  mL
    1 1/4 cups granulated sugar                                      300  mL
    1/2 cup      unsalted butter, at room temperature       125  mL
    3                eggs                                                               3
    1 tsp          vanilla paste (or vanilla extract)                    5 mL
    3/4 cup      milk                                                        175 mL
    1/2 cup      semisweet chocolate chips                      125 mL

1. In a small bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, and salt.
2. In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat together sugar and butter until well combined. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. Alternately beat in flour mixture and milk, making three additions of flour and two of milk, beating until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips.
3. Scoop batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 23 to 28 minutes, or until tolden and tops of cupcakes spring back when lightly touched. Let cool in pan on rack for 10 minutes. Remove from pan and let cool completely on rack. Top cooled cupcakes with frosting.

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For my cupcakes, I made a variant of cake flour instead of using strictly all-purpose flour. To do this, simply use 7/8 cup regular flour and 1/8 cup cornstarch for each full cup of flour called for in a recipe. I am unsure of the difference this made in this particular recipe, as I have yet to try the recipe exactly as it appears in the book.
Also, I used white chocolate chips instead of semi-sweet because I didn't have any semi-sweet chocolate chips.
I didn't follow the suggested frostings, either, because we had a can of milk-chocolate frosting on the shelf which needed to be used first.

My frosting technique looks like a child did it because it was the first time in 15 years that I have used a piping bag, and I didn't use the proper tip. (I have the jumbo-sized tips to use, but I don't have the proper coupler, so I am stuck using the largest round that came with the set.)

So there ya go. =)
If you try them, please come back and let me know how they are.
Either variation. Or both.

Happiness comes from your own actions.

Happiness is not something ready made.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions., originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama

Today I took a day for me. I didn't go to the store, I didn't have any set deadlines or a schedule of any kind.
I have been having an urge for the last several days that kept prompting me to meditate, but, unfortunately, I have been unable to do so. So, today, I went to a park.
I took with me a journal, a pen, my camera bag (that was still packed from the wedding on Saturday, where it doubled as my purse), and Barbara Ann Kipfer's "The Wish List", which I've had for years.
I read through it, cover to cover, and was able to update the wishes/goals that I have fulfilled, and was able to refresh my memory on some wishes worth having that I have forgotten about.

After leaving the park, I drove around for a good little while, taking back roads I haven't been on in years, weaving my way around town from one end to several miles outside the other.
Then I did an outdoor photowalk in the area around my house. Today's photo is an apple hanging in my grandma's tree. I also got some shots of a broken-down fence, a bee on a sunflower, and more apples, to name a few.

Here are some of the wishes from the book that I have added to my personal wish list:

• Keep a stash of Girl Scout cookies all year round
• Make a collage of all the fortune-cookie fortunes I have received.
• Sell my crafts at a crafts fair.
• Stand on the shore and roar back at the ocean as loud as I can.
• Study Buddhist and Hindu dharma.
• Save half a year's salary.
• Lie on the ground in a grove of sequoias --the largest living things on earth-- and look up
• Bequeath enough money for my survivors to toast me with champagne every year on my birthday.
• Reserve one night a month to go out with old friends.
• Throw a tailgate party for the homecoming game.
• Take part in a geological survey.
• Become a masseur.
• Read all the original Nancy Drew mysteries.
• Find inner peace.
• Take up yoga.
• Keep chickens.
• Stand in the center of the Colosseum in Rome.
• Backpack across Europe.

Those are just some of the new wishes (or I guess some of them are goals) that I rediscovered today.
Check out the book when you can; there are a ton of wishes on there that I'm sure you'll want to add to your own lists.

It was a rewarding day, over all.
I didn't get much meditation in, though I'm sure that there will be time for that before I head to the store tomorrow. (It was kind of hard to clear my head when there were children laughing and playing. Not that I have a problem with children laughing and playing, it's just counter-productive to clearing one's head.)

I think everyone should take a day and clear their schedules for some much-needed alone time.
Or at least a day of having nothing to do, or nothing to do by a specific time. =)

Letting Go & Holding On

Letting Go & Holding On

letting go and holding on, originally uploaded by speckled_beckle.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
~Henry Ellis

At some point, we all find ourselves stuck.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Stuck between our friends and our family.
Stuck between wearing the yellow shirt, or the blue shirt.
Stuck on that really hard math question.

I am stuck.
My mom and I have been clashing for the last few months (ever since she lost her job) and it's starting to wear us down. (It's starting to wear me down.)
I love her dearly, but this house is not big enough for two grown women with their own opinions & worldviews.

I am stuck.
My loving boyfriend has been out of a job for about a month, and he's not putting much effort into finding another one.
Our collective future is on hold, our bills for this month will be in question, and, while he's spriting some new characters for a video game, he seems to be dragging his feet in finding a regular-joe, nine-to-five, "real world" job. (I should also mention that whenever I start to fill out an application or resume, he gets sad and says, "I hope you're not doing that because of me.")

I am stuck.
There is a situation that I no longer know how to handle. It seems that no matter what I do, I am always wrong, even when I can prove that I'm right or have done nothing wrong. (And I can even point out specific instances in which the finger-pointer should be looking in the mirror.)

...perhaps all this is happening because I am still holding on to my desire to please people. Insecurity comes easily to me, but it's mostly self-triggered. Maybe if I let go of all that nonsense, and just not care what people think of me or what I do, perhaps then I achieve peace.
...perhaps there's more to it than that. Perhaps I should mention that I have also been holding on to the dreams of getting married, owning a house, & starting a family; if I let go of those dreams, I wouldn't feel the scraping of my boyfriend's feet as he drags them along.
...perhaps, though, there's even more to it than that. Perhaps we should all realize that some things are shared among a wide group of people, and that we are only individuals in the way that we perceive and share the things in our world. Perhaps that's the answer. Perhaps if we let go of our competitive natures and instead be more accepting and realistic, then there would be a greater sense of peace in the world.

I know, I'm blabbering on about peace like I'm some kind of hippie or something.
But really, the harder decisions in life --the ones in which we find ourselves truly stuck-- cause unrest, and therefore a lack of peace.

I think it would do us all some good (I'm talking on a humanity-wide scale here) to choose what we are holding onto, and what we are letting go of, and why.
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